2longing4another's Blog

coward

2longing4another — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 01:54:34 +0000

You lied, I found out, but you, again, manage to make me feel bad about myself. You’re hurting yourself too by not being honest. You should have been honest the first time.

I am happy now. It took me a while. It was good that you came back into my life. It was very painful. Very difficult. Harder even then the divorce, because you had manipulated me. I will always have only love for you in my heart. Love and sorrow. I hope you will find your love. And that you will keep a tiny bit of love in your heart for me. So you know I am there for you.

moving on

2longing4another — Fri, 14 May 2010 17:08:36 +0000

What bugs me the most is that I won’t be able to listen to the music I fell in love with, the music you introduced me to, the music that never fails to remind me of you. So ~ no more Incubus, no more Jeff Buckley, no more Dears and no more L. Cohen. It is the music that brought out the part of me that was touched by you.

Other than that – I am fine. Going strong. Take care, dear John. It was good to meet you. As you know, there was a reason for all of this.

I loved you, but I am over you. You broke my heart.

Why? Why ~ John.

2longing4another — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 02:53:34 +0000

Why does age matter” u asked me ~ yeah…John, why does it matter? Why does it matter so much to you that you successfully let me to believe that you were a bit younger. Hm…lemme think.. – yeah! The reason WHY I had this perception is that you sent me a picture of yourself back in 2002. Hmm. I thought that this pic was a few years old back then…..a few. Oh well. It really wouldn’t have mattered so much to me as it does now, that I find out I was a fool. I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t adding up (trip to Berlin, the death of the artist friend you worked with at night). Oh..and Staci said that you never met, but she saw a picture somewhere and you looked like 60. This was a little troubling.

Did you ever plan on telling me?

Is this why you didn’t really ever want to meet me? Or install the webcam for that matter. I spent hours researching which model would work well for you and your pc operating system, that is affordable, but has good reviews. And all I got was a “naw….” – again: prior to me sending it to you, I asked you for your pc operating system etc. You could have told me then “hey, don’t send me that thing - I won’t used it”.

Did you just want to have this dream, and keep it as a dream – as this way it can’t hurt you?

I knew there was a lot you didn’t want to tell me. I always wished you would understand that I can be your best friend – forever – but I do expect honesty and openness.

It really wouldn’t have mattered so much if you’d been honest. I always wanted to be there for you – for who you are – not for what you look like or how old you are. I really am not that shallow.

And I even bought German chocolate for you. today. You really really hurt me, as I do not understand why you betrayed me in such a way. I trusted you. I am sorry, John. Everything is much clearer to me. I am sorry that you are alone. If you would have been honest with me, you probably wouldn’t be. I tried to be there for you, twice.

here’s my diary again

2longing4another — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:20:02 +0000

it’s been tough on me. on the other hand – i am thankful – i still have a job. and i would give it away if my new yorker could get one instead..

but somehow..things do happen for a reason – just never the way i planned it.

a few weeks ago i started thinking about talking to my broker to place me ‘inactiv’, without loosing my real estate license, but also not having to pay board dues etc. – and what happened? a prev. customer of mine must have liked my services, that they decided to ask me to sell their home. smart people – they didnt even ask if i had ever sold a house. which i have not. ..wow – so now i have a listing! not only do i not have any spare time to begin with…but i also have to read a lot..learn a lot..meet with more people…oh wow. so..find below a list of everything that is going on in my mind at any given time

taxes, festivals, trade shows, wc’s, demanding bosses and fellow countrymen, mommy, homework, sophia’s hair, sophia’s fashion, logistics, cleaning, laundry, bill pay, nutrition, travel and passion in a woman madly in love with a man in ny.

here is my outfit – this clearly is my life

2longing4another — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:43:58 +0000

“Imagine for a moment your own version of a perfect future. See yourself in that future with everything you could wish for at this very moment fulfilled. Now take the memory of that future and bring it here into the present. Let it influence how you will behave from this moment on.”

- Deepak Chopra

Road trips. NY-ATL. Spring break, Summer break, sometimes Christmas or Thanksgiving. John and I love these roadtrips, as we get to spend time together, talking, driving through changing landscapes, listening to music, eating different foods. John’s girls even enjoy coming along sometimes. Sophia not so much. Sometimes I just take her by myself by airplane.

It is all good. Sophia is actually a pretty happy girl. She walks to school and rides her bike. All things she could never do in Marietta. She also takes horseback riding lessons (along with her mother and john), and I will soon fulfil one of my biggest dreams (riding along the beach on a horse with my love)…… Sophia wants to play the piano or violine. or maybe percussions.

She has a lot of love in her life. She knows that her mom & her dad both love her very much. She loves to visit her dad in summer to help in the garden, but she also loves to come back home into a nicely organized, clean and happy household. She understands that Mom and Dad just can’t find a way to be happy together. She sees a happy Mommy. And she really likes John a lot. I mean – a LOT!

We travel overseas, about once a year. Tuscany and Budapest – Berlin and London – and, of course, Nuernberg.

We make lots of love.

Oh – and we have a cat. A happy, fat cat.

We’re just a big, happy family!

a poem from john

2longing4another — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 02:14:28 +0000

on 09/09/09 john wrote this to me

Come~ awaken from love’s troubled slumber.

Dream no more for on this night, I am here beside you

I have come this eve to visit your bedside

to sample the sweet kisses i have hungered for!

take my hand in yours; let us go then~

You & I into the evening, seeking adventure

Spirits high, we shall see this starry night through each other’s eyes.

City streets lit by lamplight; spirits high intoxicated,

our talk merry.

To be in love with my love, our dream world come alive.

Tonight our step will be as one.

your way

2longing4another — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 03:11:41 +0000

Nobody knows the way that lays ahead of you
Nobody ever walked it the way you will
It is your way – non exchangeable
You can ask for advice
But the decision is yours

Listen to the voice
Of you inner teacher
God did not leave you alone
He is talking to you in your thoughts
Trust him and yourself.

~ a touch ~

2longing4another — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 02:55:36 +0000

a name.
eyes meet eyes.

a touch.

we know each other.

one touch. 8 days.

the language of love

2longing4another — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 06:09:15 +0000

the language we speak ~

i have not heard before.

it is soft ~ forgiving ~ respectful. it does not know anger.

it is music. and sunshine. and soo much more to me.

it is like a butterfly in the spring

a beautiful cloud in the sky….

I have stumbled a few times…

but i am learing. i am learning what love is.

as long as we speak this language

my love you will be.

please do me a favor

2longing4another — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 22:09:20 +0000

and read “The road less traveled” by M. Scott Peck